If someone you care about is sitting shiva and you are not sure what is expected of you, this page is meant to help. It covers what shiva is, what to bring, and the etiquette nobody explains out loud.
A note before anything else: we are a bakery, and there is one paragraph near the end about our product, including the honest reasons it is often not the right choice here. Everything else is just the guidance we would give a friend.
What shiva is
Shiva is the first week of Jewish mourning, observed at home after the funeral. The word means seven. For those days, the mourners stay in, and the community comes to them: to visit, to sit, to make sure the house is never empty and nobody has to cook.
That last part is the key to everything about shiva food. The mourners are not hosting. The community is. Every custom below flows from that one idea.
The food customs, briefly
The first meal after the funeral, the seudat havra'ah or meal of consolation, is traditionally provided by neighbors and friends, never by the mourners themselves. It often includes round foods, eggs and lentils among them, symbolizing the cycle of life.
Through the week, visitors and the community keep the household fed. Platters, meals, and staples arrive so that nobody grieving has to think about a kitchen.
What to bring
- Food that requires nothing. Ready to serve, ready to store, no assembly. The house is full and the fridge fills fast.
- Shelf-stable beats perishable. By midweek, a shiva house has more platters than it can refrigerate. The gift that sits on a counter and keeps is the one that does not become a task.
- Food for the visitors matters too. A shiva house serves coffee all week. Something to put out beside it is quietly useful.
- Or bring nothing. This is worth saying plainly: your presence is the mitzvah. Nobody is auditing arrivals. Showing up empty-handed and sitting with someone is a complete shiva call.
The kosher question matters more here than anywhere
Even families who are not strictly observant often keep the shiva house kosher, because observant relatives and community members will be visiting all week. Food that cannot be served puts the family in an awkward position at the worst possible time.
If you do not know the family's practice, choose certified kosher food, send a certified platter from a kosher establishment, or bring nothing but yourself. This is the one occasion where guessing wrong has a real cost, so do not guess.
Etiquette, the unspoken parts
- Do not expect a doorbell greeting. Often the door is unlocked and visitors let themselves in. Follow the house's lead.
- Let the mourner speak first. The tradition is to sit with them and follow where they go, including silence. You do not need good words. There are none, and everyone knows it.
- Do not stay long. A short visit is correct, not rude.
- Expect nothing from the family. No thank-you notes, no hosting, no serving. If you bring food, put it in the kitchen yourself.
The week after shiva
Here is the thing we would most want you to know, and it applies to any grieving house, Jewish or not. During shiva, food floods in. When shiva ends, it stops, all at once, and the mourning does not. The thirty days after the funeral, sheloshim, continue long after the visitors have gone home.
If you want your kindness to land where it is scarce, send something in week three. Shelf-stable, no reply required, a note that asks nothing. Being the only kindness that arrives that week is worth more than being the tenth platter on the first one.
Where we fit, and where we don't
Our mandel bread is shelf-stable and gentle, and every bag arrives packaged and sealed, which makes it practically suited to a house full of visitors or a week-three package: nothing to slice, plate, or refrigerate. If you send a box, we can include a short note to the family; keep it simple and let it ask nothing of them, which is exactly the spirit of the week. But we will be straight with you: we are not certified kosher, and for many shiva houses that rules us out. If the family keeps kosher, choose a certified product, and our kosher guide explains how to tell the difference.
For a secular home you know well, or for the quiet weeks after shiva ends, our boxes ship anywhere in the U.S. through Goldbelly, and Denver locals can order right on our site, since we ship locally too. Either way, the guidance above is yours.
Frequently asked questions
What do you bring to a shiva?
Ready-to-serve food that requires nothing from the mourners, ideally shelf-stable, or nothing at all. Presence matters more than any gift, and the meal of consolation is traditionally provided by the community, not the family.
Should shiva food be kosher?
When in doubt, yes. Many families keep the shiva house kosher even if they are not strictly observant, because the community visits all week. Choose certified products or a kosher establishment if you are unsure.
Do you bring flowers to a shiva?
No. Flowers are not part of Jewish mourning custom. Food, a donation in the deceased's memory, or simply visiting are the traditional gestures.
What do you say at a shiva?
Less than you think. Let the mourner lead, sit with them, and do not fear silence. The traditional parting words wish them comfort among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem, but a simple, sincere presence is enough.
Can you send food after shiva ends?
Yes, and it may matter most then. Support thins sharply when the week ends while mourning continues. A shelf-stable package two or three weeks after the loss arrives when little else does.